DB Cooper Church of Perpetual Grace FAQ

(or Bullshit for the Motherfuckers )

What does the Church believe?

Animal society breeds like ants eating a lizard’s eyeball dragging a crippled queen across a desert; they made a killing in the stock market investing heavily in blue chip stocks without turning off the television set. Sometimes you never know what you may draw, the ticket reads disaster or initiation. Same difference.

What is PsiOntology?

Psychic Ontology. The 12 step program of metaprogramming – white noise masking the subliminal messages to purchase mass quantities of consumer goods. Worms mate in tangled orgies that emulate the 12 step program in its production of pleasure. The Colonel woke up one of our priests early in the morning wanting to make a bet on the Lakers game (to win, 8 point spread).

How old is the Church?

Sweet smell of candy and spice came from India with pleasure and black pubic hair I saw walking down the busy sidewalk dreaming of sex with the runaways begging for stock tips and car keys (the plastic bag wasn’t there before.) On August 14, 1993, Jack Parsons ejaculated for the first time following a successful summoning of a spirit entity. This entity turned out to be DB Cooper who instructed the participants at the ritual (circle jerk? swingers party?) to spread the Light through the formation of a church.

Why DB Cooper?

Someone spoke at great length into Jack Parsons’s ear one morning after an extended dream about flying. The whisper related a history: in 1971, DB Cooper jumped from a plane over the mountains in the Pacific Northwest with approximately $200,000 ransom. The money was to pay the worms for sexual services, cayenne pepper covering his scrotum. The police searched for the money forgetting about the body or the thief. More important things were on television as new child stars were emerging with heroin addictions. He died in Light. In the future during an extended ritual, the entity DB Cooper was invoked and imparted Light to the participants. They discovered that Cooper never hit the ground; instead, he transformed into Light in mid-space. Shit happens. Some people always seek out a strong authority figure; one always appears. His connection with our plane is through Cooper Incarnate, who channels the entity Cooper into their physical body.

Who is Cooper Incarnate?

Cooper Incarnate is the spiritual leader of the Church. The question pronounced regularly – why do some people wipe their asshole to the point of making the skin red, raw and irritated? Anyone can wipe his/her asshole and become head of a Church. Any asshole with messages for numerous strangers. The God/man. Cooper Incarnate merges physically and spiritually with the entity DB Cooper. This individual is the manifestation of DB Cooper on this plane. The current Cooper Incarnate is Larry Hoobard. I saw him in the alley picking up rocks and looking closely at their colors this being an old trick longshoremen use. The crabs glow red when the Church of England blesses the Crown.

What was the Vancouver Working?

The Vancouver Working was the original ritual through which the entity DB Cooper was invoked. The purpose of the working was to get script ideas from dead movie stars. Addiction among these stars is rampant, the sweet smell of drugs permeated their skin. Their tongues lolled from the side of the mouth. This slight protrusion attracted flies making it very difficult for them to read lines. We got no where.

What is the Book of Leap?

Holy holy holy holy. The slave churches attacked any notion of the holy on an extended road trip nearly a thousand years ago. Since then nobody has had any fun. This sacred book like the Buddha grew from nature. Smell your fingers and see where you have been. It transcribes the experience of the Fall. All 2,012 pages. Ancient Aztec rights of bloodlust prevalent today among the youth with the certain knowledge that the Trailblazers had a chance but that it will probably come down to the Lakers.

What is AEONRUIN?

My friend took the time to explain the horrors of drug addiction to the third grade class by injecting every student with heroin. The dogs were certainly happy that they were not going to be shot like the Pope but thousands of Christians continued to mourn. Yesterday it almost all came to an end like a thought before you turn on the television. Obliterated thought. One thought comes forth to die another emerges to take its place; two sides of the brain in conflict, a power struggle. The best barber I had was a homosexual who I knew before I broke my answering machine. Space/time singularity the scene for the clash; Papa wreaks havoc when he don’t get no dinner.

Is the DB Cooper Church a cult?

How did you do on the stock market? Institutional-ized for obsessive arguing my stock broker was finally released with a large tube in the back of his head and a small gray cat he carries with him at all times. The cat buys the stocks and the broker buys the cocaine.

Is masturbation considered a sin?

Public masturbation is a carnival. The guilt was nailed to a cross and buried. Many women get aroused at the site of a man nailed to a cross, penis gorged with blood. It’s like a game show where it is anybody’s guess.

I’m concerned about the occult references in the church literature.

Wasps can bite off large chucks of flesh with their mandibles. The restaurant closed early and the people milling around in front were slack jawed some upset some outraged the cook shit in the stew but nobody seemed to care it was the money they wanted to spend. On a trip to England the eggs contained malformed chickens but everybody just watched the movie.

Most of the church’s writings seem to be gibberish. How can I make sense of it?

They can make cars that drive themselves but they just go away into the ocean for fish to live in. Selling the thoughts are harder had to take a break and sit in the porno theatre for a couple of hours to straighten things out but I lost my pencil. The movie screen was a pale yellow, nobody seemed to care. I know this woman who always asks me for money just stares into my eyes and asks but there is no depth behind those eyes and I say no still staring and she looks away forgetting that she has even asked a question if I give her any money she will become a parasite. I’ve seen people attached to the necks of others.

How can I join the Church?

World War II was started by a misunderstanding dating back hundreds of years. The swimming pool was filled with laughing children nobody realized what was happening in the back room with the two teenage lifeguards. Psychic impressions produced by orgasm can sometimes be felt miles away.

Do I have to pay any Church dues?

When a woman eats an ice cream cone men believe that she is simulating oral sex even though this thought does not enter the woman’s mind does this mean for some men that when one is wiping one’s asshole you are simulating anal sex? Some men would agree being so paranoid about the appearance of being gay that they will never touch their own assholes. A business man dropped his briefcase spilling all of his personal private correspondence into the street. This action led to a complete nervous breakdown years later at a company picnic when he dropped the potato salad over the ground and desperately tried to scoop it up with his hands and put it back into the bowl. He saw the ants in the distance devouring everything in their path; the most disturbing memory being a small dog swarmed with red ants writhing on the ground eyes eaten out but still alive. He knew that he had to save that salad. He knew in his heart.